How to Cope With a Controlling Person Part 1

How to Cope With a Controlling Person

It is not easy to deal with a controlling person. Controlling people can be very manipulative and make you feel isolated from others. Luckily, there are many ways to deal with controlling people. In the moment, try to keep your composure and avoid reacting. Later on, set clear boundaries so the person will not push you out of your comfort zone again. Work on managing your emotions. You will need to work on caring for yourself to avoid being drained by a controlling person.

Part One of Three:
Dealing with a Difficult Encounter

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   Avoid reacting to bad behavior.Controlling people are often looking for a reaction. They also may not respond well to any resistance or criticism. If you, say, get aggressive or angry in return, this is likely to backfire. Instead of fighting fire with fire, try to remain calm.
   

   • For example, your live in boyfriend starts getting on your case about not hanging your towel in the exact place he wants it after a shower, then it would be important to assert yourself and open up a dialogue about the situation. Just try not to lose your temper.
   • Try saying something like, "I understand you like the towels to be hung a certain way. However, I prefer it this way because _____. I am willing to hang it there if we change _____ or I can hang it where I want and leave that space for you."
   • However, you may need to calmly stand your ground if the person is trying to change an already established boundary. For instance, "We agreed to_______ last week, remember?"
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   Try to empathize. While you should never excuse someone else's bad behavior, sometimes it can be helpful to at least see where they're coming from. People with control issues may have underlying emotional issues. Understanding this can help you figure out how to best address the person's need for control. In the moment, try to figure out what the person is actually getting at when they attempt to assert control.
   

   • For example, you live with your girlfriend, who tends to be very controlling. She sees that you left some wrappers out on the kitchen counter for a few minutes while you took a phone call. She says something like, "Why did you need to take that phone call before cleaning up your mess?"
   • The mess is probably not really the issue here. Very often it is deeper, like a person who had a controlling parent, or anxiety, or a background that values a certain thing that a behavior represents.
   • Try asking why the order of your actions was so important to her to get a better understanding of the issue and then give any information that might be necessary. The other person may not have seen something that you think is obvious.
   • For example, you might say something like, “Was there a particular reason you wanted me to clean up before taking the phone call?”
   • Or, "I know you don't like wrappers out. My phone rang and I took the call. I'll put it away now that I'm done."
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   Refuse to argue. Controlling people are often excited by power struggles. A controlling person will want nothing more than to rope others into an argument that's likely to go nowhere. They have a need to feel like they're winning. To avoid giving them this satisfaction, refrain from getting into a power struggle with them.
   

   • You can also simply refuse to argue. For example, if your significant other starts to pick a fight with you, then you might say something like, “I think we need to talk about this, but I would rather discuss it when we are both feeling a little calmer. Can we talk about this tomorrow night instead?”
   • In the long run, you will need to address underlying issues in your relationship and set boundaries.
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   Maintain your composure as best you can. The last thing you want to do with a controller is to get angry or upset. Controlling people love to push people's buttons, as they hope they can break someone down in order to get their way. Work on limiting how much you react on an emotional level. A big reaction will only egg them on.
   

   • Try to take a deep breath when interacting with a controlling person. You can try to tune them out by thinking about something calming, like a relaxed beach setting, while they're talking to you.
   • If you have to react, give noncommittal phrases that buy you some time. For example, "I'm not sure about that. Let me think about it."

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