How to Cope With a Controlling Person. Part 2

Part Two of Three:
Establishing Clear Boundaries

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   Remember you have basic rights. In any given situation, you have rights. You do not want to give up these rights because you have to interact with a difficult person. Controlling people have a way of getting inside your head and causing you to forget your basic rights as a human being. Remind yourself you deserve to be treated decently.
   

   • Everyone has the fundamental right to be treated with respect, to be allowed to express their opinions, to say "no" without feeling guilty, and have different opinions.
   • If you've been dealing with a controlling person long term, you may have forgotten you have these rights. Before interacting with someone, remind yourself of your rights. Keep them in mind when setting boundaries.
   • For example, a controlling boyfriend may expect you to spend time with him instead of going out with friends. If you don't want to sit at home and watch a movie one night, a controlling boyfriend will make you feel guilty for this. As you get ready to assert your boundaries, think something like, "I have the right to say 'No' to him without feeling bad."
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   Tell yourself you're in charge. The first step to setting boundaries is to take back your control. You cannot control another person's negative actions but you can control how you personally react to them. You have choices in regards to how you approach boundaries.
   

   • Oftentimes, people take a grin and bear it approach with controlling people. You may also work on avoiding the person altogether. You may, for example, simply not go to family events if you have to see your controlling father.
   • Break free from these patterns. Think something like, "I'm in control of whether or not I let this happen. I refuse to be a victim." Decide you're going to make the choice to assert your independence and demand respect.
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   Be clear about your limits. Controlling people are always trying to push the limits of those around them. Controlling people enjoy knowing they've broken someone's barriers. Let the controlling person where you're personal limits are. Make it clear to them which behaviors you will and will not tolerate.
   

   • Recognize when you can and cannot tolerate and accept. There are certain small behaviors, like having rules about where to put dirty dishes or clothing, that you may be willing to follow. However, other issues may be more difficult to tolerate.
   • Think about things the person does that are beyond the point of reason. For example, you don't mind putting your phone away when you're on a date with your boyfriend. However, he expects you to have your phone off and out of sight even if the two of you are just casually hanging out around his apartment. Let him know this rule is unreasonable to you.
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   Express your boundaries directly. You want to make yourself very clear when setting boundaries. It may even be helpful to write your boundaries down on a piece of paper and present this to the controlling person. Make your personal boundaries as clear as you possibly can. Tell the person, on no uncertain terms, what you will and will not put up with in the future.
   

   • Controlling people are difficult by nature. They will do everything they can to ignore or misinterpret your boundaries. Therefore, when laying out your boundaries, be as direct as you can.
   • For example, say you have a very controlling boyfriend. When laying down boundaries, say something like, "I'm not going to have my phone away at all times when we're together, especially when you expect me to spend most nights at your apartment. I'm happy to turn my phone off when we're on dates or watching a movie together, but I'm not going to have my phone off all the time when we're together. That rule ends now."
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   Be assertive when necessary.Controlling people are unlikely to accept boundaries right away. Remember, they enjoy pushing people out of their comfort zones to get their own way. When necessary, you will have to remind controlling people of your boundaries. Be clear and assertive in the event your boundaries are violated.
   

   • Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. It means respectfully letting someone know when they've violated a particular boundary. Keep your cool and reassert yourself when an issue arises.
   • For example, your boyfriend is simply sitting in a room with you while the two of you casually watch television. You return a text from a friend and your boyfriend gets angry. He starts saying things like, "That's really rude. I'm right here."
   • Do not respond in anger. Saying something like, "Knock it off. I'm trying to talk to someone" will only escalate the situation. Instead, stay calm and respond with something respectful like, "We talked about this the other day. You don't need my full attention right now, so I have a right to answer this text. Please let me finish this text message and then I'll go back to watching the show."

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